On becoming a real man

I'm not very handy around the house. Don't get me wrong, I am a handy man:

Hey girls, gather round
Listen to what I'm putting down
Hey baby, I'm your handyman

I'm not the kind to use a pencil or ruler
I'm handy with love and I'm no fool
I fix broken hearts, I know that I truly can

If your broken heart should need repair
Then I am the man to see
I whisper sweet things, you tell all your friends
They'll come runnin' to me

Here is the main thing that I want to say
I'm busy 24 hours a day
I fix broken hearts, I know that I truly can

Anyway, my point is that I don't fix things around the house. Friday night, the hot water in our shower stopped working. This happens every three or four months. We call the maintenance guys, and they come over, smelling of testosterone. They spend maybe one minute working on it.

Since it was the beginning of the weekend, maintenance was several days away. Well, Amelia had to take a bath in the sink (since it's only the shower that's broken). Emily took a cold shower, squealing loudly. Then my turn came.

And then I felt the urge. I think the best way to describe it is as a surge of adrenaline. It's Father's Day. I'm the dad. I'm a man. I can fix things. I can fix this thing!

If you've used our shower, you know it has two knob things (I don't know what term the "so-called professionals" use, but I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about), one for the hot water and one for the cold. If you turn the hot water knob thing, nothing happens.

I decided the best approach was to disassemble the hot knob thing. I'm not sure what I was looking form. I was kind of hoping there would be something obvious, like maybe Amelia had jammed something in there. No luck; everything looked fine to me.

Since the cold water knob thing works fine, I disassemble it as well. You know, to compare. Anyway, I see the difference. The hot water knob thing is sticking out farther than the cold water knob thing.

A Little Digression on Biochemistry and the Industrial Revolution
Men have an X chromosome and a Y chromosome. Women have two X chromosomes. The Y chromosome determines the "handy-man" trait. This is a multi-gene trait, so different people can have different amounts of "handy-manity." For most of human history, men had to take care of their own homes and farms. There was no division of labor and no professional handymen. Women knew this and would, therefore, reject the "handy-impaired." Men with high levels of "handy-manity" (think auto-mechanics or Thomas Edison) were much more successful with the ladies than their equally intelligent and handsome but less manually dexterous neighbors (think accountants or Isaac Newton). Anyway, the "non-handies" (as they were derisively called by the schoolyard bullies) mostly failed to pass down their poor genes and, therefore, most people inherited handiness. When the western world industrialized, people began to specialize and income increased. Suddenly, men were able to hire other men to fix stuff for them. "Handiness" became much less important in attracting a female mate. Now, only about 1/2 of men are actually "handy." The rest are actively lobbying congress to enact affirmative action policies to redress the wrongs against the "handiness handicapped."
End of Digression

Well, I'm not a particularly handy guy. If I were, I probably could have figured out how to take some tool out of my bag (like a "allen wrench" or a "wingnut" or maybe a "wiper blade") and get the hot water knob to look like the cold water knob, to make it closer to the wall. I failed.

I resigned myself to a cold shower. I turned it on and stood there, out of the stream, trying to get the courage to step into the cold water (researchers are undecided about whether handy men are necessarily braver than the "non-handies"). And then it hit me. I want the hot water knob thing to be closer to the wall. So I kicked it. With my bare foot.

And I truly enjoyed my hot shower.

Below is an actual picture of a "Handy-man" in his natural environment. Notice how, like the peacock, he uses humor and plumage to attract females.